November 15, 2004. Vol.2
Published by Janet Kira Lessin, P.T.S.. and Sasha (Alex)
email [email protected],
808 244-4103 email:
Contents of this Polyamory Newsletter
1. WOMEN GET MOST FROM POLYAMORY AND TANTRA article by
Janet Kira Lessin
2. Q & A: POLYAMORY ADVICE - Janet and Dr. Sasha Reply to
3. RETURN TO TRIBE: 6-DAY POLY COMMUNITY, ORANGE SPRINGS,
FLORIDA, April 20 - 26, 2005
4. GIVE THANKSGIVING THANKS WITH THE LESSIN CLAN ON MAUI
5. ONLINE POLY LINKS, DATING SITE, FORUM, PERSONALS,
6. News to Us: PROMISCUITY AN IMMUNE SYSTEM FACTOR
1. WOMEN GET MOST FROM POLYAMORY AND TANTRA – Janet Kira
I live a tantric life. My man’s my tantric devotee. He
worships and adores me. We make love at least twice each day.
Our deep connection, nurtured by tantra and the yoga of
service (bhakti) Sasha practices, nourish my heart and expand
my soul. So when I advertise tantra and 60 men but only two
women inquire, I feel frustrated, frustrated because I know
what most women miss when they avoid tantra.
Women get more from tantra than men. Tantra got popular on
Earth when the tantric practices of the gods were promoted
here for us humans by the goddess Inanna--not some man or even
by a male god. Tantra and polyamory support women. Yet how can
I explain that to you women when you’re so conditioned to fear
sex? Tantra--making love, experiencing your lover surrender to
his own sexual goddess--is precisely what you need. Tantra can
create most what you want most--love, security and intimacy.
Unfortunately the public mind associates tantra with
prostitution. Women don’t respond to my tantra ads as
enthusiastically as men because the word "tantra" brings to
mind sex workers’ pitch that tantra’s a method of ejaculatory
control. A sex worker may even rap about energy and chakras to
promote sessions. She advertises in newspaper adult sections.
She says she’ll train a man to control ejaculation but in the
session gives him a hand job till he fails at control. I urge
sex workers who use tantra in their sessions to stop using
tantra as a prostitution buzzword. Instead, support couples
and primary relationships more, rather than take money so men
can lie, cheat and sneak behind their partners. Perhaps you
could help them communicate and make love better. Truth frees
Since I live a tantric life with a tantric partner, I know
tantra, done right, fulfills women. Women need lots more love,
attention and affection than they’’ve been getting. A woman’s
life is tough, full of hard work; she gets little
When a man becomes her devotee, his life runs smoother. He
creates a circle, a bond of sacred love. He appreciates his
woman and women in general. He learns how to access, in
himself, her genius, innate wisdom, oneness with nature,
people and the universe.
Men and women think differently. Our brains operate
differently. Women’s brains naturally allow data flow over the
corpus callosum between right and left cerebral hemispheres.
Boys brain’s are more segmented and slowly develop lateral,
feminine thinking over time, unless the they learn feminine
thinking in relationship with a woman or the feminine side of
another man. Women also naturally connect more to the
sensitive, emotional side of life than do men.
When a man connects in tantra with a woman, he weaves his
own inner feminine into his life. He uses her multilinear
emotional, intuitive model help him feel more, think more
creatively. When a man taps into feminine through his goddess,
he integrates his inner feminine thinking and sensitivity to
feelings into his conscious choices (while she absorbs the
lessons of his segmented, linear, focused thinking). Tantra
involves consciously weaving their separate consciousnesses
into pair consciousness broader than either could get to
alone. They live in partnership, balanced within and equals on
If a man is tantric devotee to his goddess, she gets more
orgasmic and eager to make love. When she directs the action,
she naturally wants to be closer. If he enters his woman’s
world and is sweet, loving, and sexually tantric, he gets the
sex, love and intimacy he, too, craves. Their dance flows
naturally; they find giving and receiving are the same, two
sides of the same coin. They both give and receive more. And
since they make love more, the day’s stress chemicals
dissipate. She relaxes about work, kids. So women do get more
from tantra. They get more from polyamory too.
Polyamory is mostly for women. We need more help raising
kids. Before the 1950s homes often included aunts and
grandparents–several generations of family to help with
children. The nuclear family, and now the single parent family
are recent, more stressful norms. A single parent or even two
people are not enough to meet all kids’ needs.
Besides the money support children require, they need lots
of stimulation. Stimulation really shouldn’t be TV and video
games–they cause Altzheimer’s. Kids need many role models and
teachers to stimulate them, help their minds become more
expansive and grow. When children have many teachers who know
them, love them and really care for them, they learn more. A
variety of teachers help children’s brains develop. When
children feel comfortable and safe, they open more. They learn
vital skills such as the ability to reason and problem solve.
This more expansive world allows children’s brains to expand,
enhances memory and fosters greater intelligence. Children in
tribes learn survival, fun, love, creativity and successful
relationships from multiple teachers. They imprint many role
models, not just one or two. With more role models they can
better determine who they are and not just duplicate or reject
their immediate parents, which is what happens so often in
Poly parents who share childrearing aren’t saddled with the
total responsibility for nurturing kids. Parents have more
time for themselves to pursue their own interests; they’re
happier parents, which results in happier kids. Poly can
provide the village it takes to raise a child. When the
village helps, everyone benefits. The children are the future
of our community and world. They’re yours whether you birthed
them or not. They will take over this planet and they’re all
we’ve got. We must all care for them to create better adults
and a more loving world.
When I was young I lived in a neighborhood where everyone
knew each other. We may not have been a tribe, but we were the
next best thing as parents were able to help one another and
relieve each other of duties and stress. The mothers could
relax a bit not always having to focus on their children. This
relief helped the moms keep a little more sanity than if they
had been saddled with watching their children 24/7 with no
Polyamory gives women more sexually, as well as giving them
more in childrearing. Women’s bodies are perfectly suited for
multiple lovers. When she cuts lose and is totally sexual, she
can wear out many men and still be ready to go for hours. Poly
women also have more support with multiple partners. Most men
can’t stay focused on a woman as long as she needs to get all
her needs met. If you’re heterosexual and polyamorous, you
have more men to share with, not only sexually, but
emotionally. If you’re bisexual and polyamorous, you have both
male and female partners to enjoy. Gay polyamorous women also
benefit from more lovers.
Tantra and polyamory can benefit individuals and humanity.
Though polyamory may not be for everyone, tantra certainly is.
More and more people are also finding fulfillment in polyamory.
More than one love, polyamory, is a valuable option for you.
The United States was founded on the principal that everyone
has the right for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Since polyamory makes many people very happy, it’s certain an
inalienable right and very constitutional.
EQUALITY, RESPECT & REVERENCE OVERCOME FEAR OF SEX
Men outnumber women three to one registering for tantra and
polyamory seminars, private tutoring and in inquiries. This
imbalance is counterintuitive. Since women focus more on
relationships--the essence of both tantra and polyamory–you’d
think more women would sign up for tantra and poly happenings
and info. Yet women often perceive both tantra and polyamory
as primarily sex-oriented and rapidly dismiss them.
Nan Wise ("The Attachment Flu: Lessons In Loving and
Letting Go" ; Loving More #22) writes of her addiction to love
in a secure, structured form of her design. She read Ken
Wilber’s, A Brief History of Everything and came up with the
following: Wilbur discusses the differences between men and
woman and how we’re influenced significantly by our biology.
When a woman’s skin is stroked, she releases oxytocin, the
hormone of relationship and attachment. It’s nature’s way of
assuring that woman stay with our partners and nurture our
young and feather our nests. Oxytocin’s present in men in
smaller quantities, just as women have the male hormone,
testosterone. Oxytocin in a woman increases with the number of
orgasms she has. This keeps her coming back to the partner who
helps her release oxytocin, bonds her to him or her to receive
more love and pleasure. In the animal world, the good male
lover is rewarded by reproducing, which equates to his genes
Testosterone, says Nan, wires men to "fuck it or kill it."
Oxytocin wires women to "take it home. Oxytocin’s part of my
hard wiring that once I attach it is very difficult to let go.
It is why I pay attention to relationships. It is why I have
held on tightly to my lover as I have, past the point that my
reasoning mind thought was suitable. It is partly why I have
tolerated unacceptable behaviors and suffered from the side
effects associated with valuing relationship over self." This
bond-creating oxytocin forces women to take sex seriously. It
explains why women fear tantra and polyamory. They may become
too vulnerable and involved with partners with whom they share
sex and release oxytocin.
Individual women and men vary vastly in how much oxytocin
and testosterone they release and in their reactions to these
chemicals in their blood. Some women release less oxytocin,
produce more testosterone, and are sexually free and able to
have many casual lovers, like men. Some men may have more
oxytocin than others, bond readily and react sensitively as
women. In general though, men have more testosterone and lead
with their lingams and need sex before they can feel
connected, open their hearts and fall in love. Women have more
oxytocin, lead with their hearts, need love before they open
their yonis in enthusiastic sex. This explains why women avoid
situations like tantra and poly events where they perceive sex
to be too casual and without commitment.
Counseling hundreds of relationships, hubby Sasha and I
noticed that many in long-term relationships complain of not
enough or even no sex. They started passionate and hungry to
share sex, but the woman was scared of sex or disinterested.
What makes her shut down sexually?
At first, when she commits to a relationship, she creates a
home. Her commitment and homemaking serves her and her partner
or partners. Then two factors cause deterioration in the
relationship: 1) the women’s tendency to mother gets in the
way. Mothering energy is not very sexual. 2) Men’s desire to
sexually diversify surfaces if they resent the women’s
tendency to mother. These factors start a cycle of resentment
which, left unexpressed and unresolved, kills the
relationship. The men or women think of cheating and
eventually do, or the sexual interaction in the committed
relationship lessens or dies.
In relationships, we take turns enacting parent and child.
This bonding pattern’s a natural nurturing rhythm and can be
sweet when the women are comforting the men as Loving Mother
to Needy Kids or men, enacting Proud Father, praises Achieving
Relationships sour when one partner doesn’t express an
underlying fear or vulnerability. This emotionally
destabilizes the relationship. Or a destabilizing factor
outside the relationship, like a man gets fired or a woman
discovers she has cancer. If the vulnerability is conveyed
kindly and is received in a good fashion, then the
relationship stays in a positive bonding pattern. If, however,
an upset partner doesn’t kindly express his or her fears to
their lovers, he or she gets grouchy, irritable or withdrawn
and/or other partners react with their own fears and become
confrontive, a fight may erupt in which each person reacts
defensively in a way the other partners hate. They hate in
each other for enacting the ways they fear being. The longer
the relationship continues in this unresolved negative bonding
pattern, the more resentments add up like some internal score
card until the limit is reached and the lovemaking ends.
Another element which shuts down women sexually is
competition with and distrust of other women. Women have been
trained to distrust each other. Through magazines and the
movies, girls learn to compare themselves to one another,
evaluating themselves by impossible standards of youth, beauty
and sexuality. In the ostensibly monogamous relations of most
parents, woman have seen their mothers abandoned for others or
sexually ignored by their fathers as Mom aged, no longer able
to compete with younger models.
Chemicals, resentments, competition. How can we solve these
problems that bedevil humans, eliminate competition between
females, resolve conflict. How can we love intensely and
intimately yet keep active sexual connections? To those
questions, I look at our societal structure and archetypes.
The battle of the sexes began with the patriarchy.
Resentment that eventually shuts down sexual-loving in
relationships and distances women from their own sexuality
echoes animosity from imbalance between men and women.
Patriarchy no longer serves us as a society. One sex
dominating the other creates the death of sex in
Recover sexual joy and freedom from dysfunction. See the
pain patriarchy perpetrates. Return to the partnership
society. A female lover and I reflected on this issue late one
night. We’d spent the evening loving together with our two men
and they’d fallen asleep. We were too excited and held each
other as we reflected on the night. "Where’s the Mother?" Cleo
asked; "Where are the images I long to see of Mother God?"
"Yes, you’re right. Where is Goddess? Look at language itself.
How can humanity understand yin when it's very language for
yin includes yang in every word. Hu-MAN-ity, S-HE, Wo-MAN. The
only word for an omnipotent benevolent female being is GOD-ess
(little God)!! Where are the words that are total feminine
without the masculine? Even the word feminine is a derivative
of fe-MALE!" "I know what you mean. I run all these fantasies,
of really going deep with you, of falling totally in love with
complete abandon and being as involved with you as much as my
boyfriend. My heart yearns for that level of intimacy with the
"Same here. Perhaps it’s something unresolved within
myself. I long to bond with mother for in my real life my
mother and I never bonded. I want to connect with sister, for
in my real life my sister and I always fought. I want to love
myself for in my real life I have never loved myself and thus
I have created all these illnesses. I’ve been ill-at-ease."
"It’s so interesting watching your face. It changes, ever
evolving, like the many faces of God/Goddess throughout. I’m
learning so much about the nature of love and about myself.
For in loving woman outside of myself, I love myself through
my perfect mirror." "Yes!! And where are those symbols for us,
as women and for all of humanity so that we can achieve the
balance and actualize that the yin and yang are equal, both
internally and externally?"
We paused to soak it all in. The wonder, the magic of the
evening and the revelations we now shared. I broke the
silence, "I think it is only by the dance of the feminine that
women may find it again. I feel we must dance with our female
mirrors, like we did as young children in order to realize the
true beauty and value of ourselves."
Yes, but how do we do this? Most women’s lives are so
consumed by the masculine. Our priority is the male and being
with "him", whomever he may be at that time and moment. And
not everyone is bisexual like us. How can we come back to
balance? How can we return to the partnership society?
We must feel the energies equally, the yin and yang, both
externally and internally, appreciating and recognizing that
BOTH are equally important for total balance, both personally
and universally. Maybe it's not that the feminine doesn't have
its own separate language, but maybe the male is found within
the feMALE; or woMAN. He's found within us. That's the
tenderness. Maybe it's not that we're not separate without
him, with our own language or words, but he's found - truly
found - within us. Yet, the very construction of the language
itself does not allow for HIM to incorporate the female within
himself, so thus the imbalance that we so readily feel. Few
men are conscious enough to discover that themselves.
Since woman bears man, nurtures man from her internal
mother, she can FEEL man and incorporate man into herself. To
succeed in a man's world she must venture into that world from
her male. There’s the constant need to walk in his world. So
women are far more aware of male and female energies within
themselves. There are few opportunities for the reversal and
the dysfunction continues.
That’s why in tantra sessions we separate energies first.
One time one partner receives, another time, it’s another
partner’s turn to receive. We learn to feel those energies
unique and different from one another. Then when both partners
(or in poly relations, all partners) give and receive at the
same time in connects like 69, we recognize masculine and
feminine energies as distinct internally and externally. We
can turn intensity up and down while we love as we
experientially exchange bodies. He is she and she is he and we
are they and they are we. All are equals.
We need to value of the underdeveloped and disowned parts
of us and to integrate our feminine and masculine aspects to
feel full and balanced. Since women live in this man’s world,
we more easily integrate our inner masculine. How can we help
our brothers feel the separate yin and yang energies within
themselves and employ both for balance and centering? Once men
see the value of both their inner feminine and their inner
masculine, they appreciate the feminine outside of themselves.
Our religious (Mono-theism) and relationship structures
(Mono-gamy), orient us to look for "the one" to guide us and
fulfill our needs. Thus we infantilize ourselves. Society,
culture and religions perpetuate the myth that something
outside us will solve our problems, we’ll go to heaven in the
second coming, the mother ship will beam us up when the Earth
changes happen. We’re dysfunctional children suffering from
unresolved abandonment issues waiting for Dad and Mom to
return, solve all of our problems and rescue us from our sorry
selves. When mates turn out less than our ideal
parent-substitute. we curse and resent them. We feel further
abandoned on both archetypal and on personal levels as long as
we function in the patriarchy where men and women are unequal.
No one can ever live up to our expectations nor we to them.
No one will save us or rescue us. As we continue in our roles
we have defined for ourselves, we can only continue the
pattern of guilt and despair. Men feel guilty for not meeting
the standards of being a man and resent women for making them
feel guilty. Women can’t meet and maintain the impossible
standards of being a "woman" and are no longer caring and
tossing men aside.
The distance between the sexes expands as the battle of the
sexes continues. Men become more confused in their roles.
Their roles keep changing as old paradigms fade. The most
common family structure in America is the single parent
family. Teenagers no longer see marriage as their future until
they’re in their thirties. The internet translates sexuality
into fantasy, perversion and exploitation.
LIVING TANTRA AND POLYAMORY
Ever since I met Sasha, my life has been tantric: full,
complete, blissful, orgasmic. We connect on all chakra levels.
We share a spiritual connection (crown chakra), meet one
another intellectually and share a common vision (third-eye),
exercise strong communication skills where we are open and
honest with one another (throat), give and get love (heart),
empower one another to do our best in life (belly), have an
incredible sexual connection (genital) and live, work together
and share a home and resources (base chakra).
Am I saying that we have no problems? That every day is
easy, pleasant and simple? No, not at all. There may be upsets
and disagreements, we may not always be happy. In fact, we
sometimes get into arguments and I even yell! So how can I say
that we live a tantric life?
What I mean by an tantric life is that we have at last
found an inner peace. From this peace, we can experience all
life. Sasha and I are devoted and committed to one another and
to the process of relationship. From within that process, we
experience the full range of emotions, the entire spectrum.
We’re family to one another; more than husband and wife;
we’re a combination of husband, wife, mother, father, friend,
lover, sister and brother. We have both married and adopted
one another. We are committed to be there throughout life,
heal each other; overcome wounds from our childhood and adult
relations. And believe me, some of those wounds are deep.
We hold the space in the center for our beloved to return
when one becomes destabilized and experiences that temporary
insanity that takes place when they are out of balance. If we
both become destabilized at the same time, we ride the wave
and remember the love, use all our tools that we have learned,
and hold fast until the storm has passed.
When we can’t "figure it out," we "finger it out" and make
love (digital and otherwise) even when one or both of us may
not "feel" like it. For the body remembers the love on a
cellular level. When we put aside our stubborn egos and just
hold one another for dear life, then the defenses and anger
melt away; and once again we’re in love. Bottom line, our
love’s what really matters.
We recognize that we are "home," that our souls have found
one another after all these centuries. We stop and count our
blessings; and from this space of appreciation, everything
becomes a blessing.
Chores become a blessing. "I thank God/Goddess that I have
a toilet to scrub. I thank you Universe that I have dishes to
clean, for that means I have food to eat and beloved ones to
In a tantric life, everything around you is a divine
prayer. I love the birds, the sky, the water, the air, the
plants, the ocean, my friends, my cats, my car. God is within
everything, every molecule, every being, every thing.
This perspective lets you honor all the craftsmanship in
the car that you drive. Look at the buildings and imagine how
many things made by how many people from how many parts of
this globe went into the construction of that one building.
Then look around at your town.
Think of those who created the technology for the simple
things around you; your toothbrush: the glass in your windows,
the carpet beneath your feet. You’ll have a new-found
appreciation for the knowledge and love that went into all the
inventions, the progression of discoveries that led to each
creation and the history of the civilization all around you.
My life is orgasmic; and as such, my beloved husband, my
devotee’s dedicated to my happiness and well-being; and I to
him. We connect intimately twice a day. In the morning Sasha
and I may connect briefly, aligning chakras, looking into one
another’s eyes, exchanging breath, speaking loving words and
sharing our innermost secret thoughts. Sasha may or may not be
inserted in me. He does not ejaculate so he can conserve his
energy during the day.
In the evening we connect fully, making sweet, passionate
love. We fall asleep in one another’s arms, full and complete.
As my beloved healer and devotee, Sasha ‘honors’ me
whenever I request, massaging my sacred sector as I cry out in
orgasmic bliss. As I channel the divine Shakti energy, he
rides my orgasmic waves. The veil of separation between us
disappears. He feels what I feel. We become the cosmic ONE. We
move the energy in our sacred circle: from my shrine, up the
center of my body, through all my chakras, out my crown and
down, into his base, through all his chakras out through his
hands, out through his mouth, and once again back through me.
We become a conduit of our combined kundalini energies: a
complete circuit--man, woman and God.
I go higher with each wave, thinking each level is "the
top," only to find I have not yet begun to crescent. My
orgasms blend one into another. I enter a dimension of
timelessness. Images of yesteryear dance before my eyes. I’m
20; I’m 5; I’m 35; I’m in uterus.
As the sensations increase, I move from my personal self to
my historical self; as I remember lifetimes here on the Earth,
in other dimensions and on far away planets. I lose my
self-sense entirely; and become one with Mother Gaia and
God/Goddess, the Universe. I move between masculine and
feminine. I relive the stories of the ages and become the
archetypes: Aphrodite, Athena, Zeus, Thor.
I peak; my amrita flows. Sasha smiles and chants,
"Blessings, blessings," programming me with the positive
affirmations I need to hear at this time. But wait, there is
yet another level. I go higher. I recall the challenge once
whispered in my ear, "How much pleasure can you take?" Part of
me wants to stop; the other part wants to continue to push
My whole body begins to pulsate. I’m in a full-body orgasm.
Kreas (waves of electric pulses) rush up and down my spine in
waves; my body snakes and pulsates with the rhythm. The
chemicals rush to the extremities of my body: my toes, my
fingers, my head. I moan, long, slow, Ooooooooohhhhh.
My life is full. Complete. From this orgasmic state, I can
go out and face the day. The stresses of life melt away in the
arms of my beloved. I can handle it; I can go on.
Wounds of a lifetime of pain and abuse are being replaced
with healing programs due to the patience and love of my
husband. At last, in Sasha, I’ve found a partner who meets me
on all chakra levels.
In previous relationships, we may have connected on one or
two chakras. We may have loved each other (heart chakra) and
lived together (base chakra); but we lacked a shared vision
(third-eye chakra) and our communication could have used some
improvement (throat chakra). In my last marriage, we did the
material side of life together quite well (base chakra):
buying a home, acquiring things, Yet we lacked a spiritual
connection (crown chakra); and eventually everything else
The most common area that breaks down for most of us in
long-term relationships is the sexuality. We build up internal
resentments over time from our unresolved disagreements.
Previous issues from programming we received from parents,
culture, and relationships before we found one another sneak
up on us and shut us down. We move apart; eventually we fall
Many times we reach "the brick wall"; and communication
breaks down completely. Our responses are now totally
reactionary and continue to disintegrate. As the tide of
resentments continue to swell, our thoughts move to other
people and outside experiences. We try to recover that feeling
of excitement, joy and bliss that once were there in the
relationship long ago when our romance was new. Many times the
thoughts become deeds, and then the sneaking, secrecy and lies
We’re all psychic and feel what the other tries to conceal.
Even though we don’t speak the lies, the betrayed party knows.
The gap widens; the barrier to intimacy becomes complete.
Lovemaking goes from infrequently to never. Sometimes the
underlying guilt manifests itself in impotence and other forms
of sexual dysfunction. When we’ve reached the end, our only
hope is honesty.
Unfortunately, most of us do not have the tools to
communicate deeply and honestly. The fears of what we don’t
want to create tend to backfire on us and create just that;
and life becomes our worst nightmare. The truth comes out in
hideous fashion. Or worst yet, lies continues and we’re
subject to serving out sentences we imposed on one another.
How long will your sentence last? How much can you endure?
All-Chakra living means communicating on all levels: mind,
body and soul. Sasha and I can literally tell one another
anything that we are thinking. If we have an attraction for
another, we express it. Issues unexpressed have a way of
becoming demonic and coming out in inappropriate ways.
If we have a desire, we work on ways to satisfy them;
although perhaps not in the exact way as envisioned by the
person, we move in the direction that feels comfortable for
both of us. Decisions are unanimous and joint. If something
doesn’t work for one of us, it doesn’t work for either of us.
There are three entities in all our decision making: Janet,
Sasha and the relationship, which we value and cherish above
For if WE aren’t working, nothing else in life seems to
work. Everything else suffers: our joy, our jobs, our health,
Yes, even our life. When life isn’t lived authentically
from truth and honesty, the stress from the emotional
repression many times creates being ill-at-ease (dis-ease).
Repressed resentments and anger often lead to cancer;
heart-ache can lead to heart-attacks.
Many counselors try to keep couples together at all costs.
Yet actually, sometimes the kindest decision is to part--even
if there are children, economic considerations and a million
other excuses to stay together.
Everyone deserves a full-chakra life. If you find your
relationship lacking in one of these areas, do something about
it. Become conscious and discover ways to expand your
connection; find things in common and develop them in those
areas for one another. There are many models for conflict
resolution. Get outside help if necessary. Find something that
works for you. Go to seminars, therapy, church counselors,
whatever it takes. If the love is strong, do it--for the love
is worth it.
Finally, if you have discovered that you have completed
your developmental tasks together and there are no new goals
that you share--that you’ve reached a point where the lies are
too big to overcome--where you find the resentments too deep
to heal and the hurts outweigh the amount of love that you
have, then set each other free. That may be the highest
expression of love.
Allow yourselves a fresh start, love again, correct the
wrongs you’ve done and stop punishing yourselves. You deserve
a full life, an all-chakra life. You have the ability create
It’s never too late even though you may think it is. When
Sasha and I found each other it was after two long-term,
failed marriages for each of us. I was well over 40 and he
over 50 when we united and embarked on our life of bliss. It
wasn’t easy for either of us. Our journey was a long road of
working on ourselves, doing our family-of-origin work, healing
our internal wounds from previous relationships and becoming
conscious through therapy, seminars, reading and
self-education. And it ain’t over yet!
Relationships are a process; and Sasha and I are conscious
enough to recognize that and commit to it. We are devoted to
one another and have pledged to be there to continue our
healing. If things get to be "over our heads," we, the
"professional relationship counselors," will swallow our pride
and seek help outside ourselves to gain clarity. All of us are
capable of not being able to see the forest for the trees.
It’s difficult when we’re "in" it; so sometimes we need help
to step outside ourselves to focus.
We now have new models of relating with open, honest, clear
and authentic communication. Living an orgasmic life is not
only possible for all; it’s our birthright. Therapy and
counseling are today’s tools for healing relationships and
personal wounds--just like medicine has been used to heal
diseases and physical wounds.
Tantra reunites our souls in ancient ways, combining
sexuality and spirituality. We return now to our source,
forging beyond the veil of forgetfulness, moving past our skin
encapsulated bodies, completing our divine union, remembering
the LOVE which is all there really is.
2. Q & A: POLYAMORY ADVICE - Janet and Dr. Sasha Reply to
The questions in this section are:
Consider All Your Relationship Choices
Why Choose Polyamory
Guilt over Loving More Can Improve Your Relating
He Wants More Sex Than She
Can She Create Alchemy If She Lacks Chemistry with Him
Her Husband Loved Another Woman
Wife Attracted to Another Man
Fears Mate Will Prefer New Lover
He Threatens Exit When She Loves Another
Fears Rejection for Poly Orientation
He Has Two Loves But Prefers One
Wife's Encouragement Heals Husband's Lovers
Living with Wife's New Lover
Two Women, One Man
She’s OK in Menage But Stricken Next Day
CONSIDER ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES (Reprinted from
Loving More Magazine #24:18)
People assume that polys automatically proselytize for
multi-lover living. We, and most polys we know, don't push our
preferences for ourselves on other people. What we do advocate
is recognition of relationship alternatives. Choice.
Q. We surmise you feel multiple-partnering is the ultimate
A. Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't work for all. What
we advocate is choice.
Most people don't realize they have a choice when they are
raised in a world where monogamy is the only acceptable
Additionally, a bonded couple would have a better chance to
be successful at non-monogamy if you're sure of your
connection with each other. I wouldn't recommend polyamory for
any couple unless both mates get a strong "yes" from deep
within themselves and that they're full, complete and
overflowing with one another first. And that may never happen
for some, which is perfect for them.
I apologize if you got from our site that we think
polyamory is the way. It's just a way, a way right only for
those who feel it is right for them. And even then, given
human nature, what's right for you vacillates among monogamy,
polyamory, swinging or celibacy. When it was appropriate for
me (Janet), I was celibate. At other times (most of my life),
I was monogamous. Now, later in my life, I'm polyamorous. I
love several people. Yet my daily life’s mostly monogamous.
I'm married ("gamous") to Sasha and lovers (amorous) with
Q. Carol and I aren't ready for polyamory. We've both had
affairs before we married, 15 years ago. Since then, we've
been monogamous. We deeply love each other and sex keeps
improving, though slowly as we have three young homeschooled
A. We think that's wonderful and exactly where you need to
be focusing now, focusing on one another and those three
precious children who you have created. For many, the best
time to explore non-monogamy is over 30 and after the children
As the song goes, "For everything, turn, turn, turn. There
is a season, turn, turn, turn." Honor who and what you are at
the time, always. Our tantra classes emphasize relationships
and the pair- bond. So if you were to come to a seminar, that
would be your experience.
Bottom line, most of our society is pair-bonded, be they
monogamous, polyamorous, bi- sexual or gay, so our initial
tantra seminars through the first few levels are focused on
the dyad and discovering tantra through the intimacy that is
created by the depth that one can achieve through divine
meditation with your mate, the perfect mirror that is before
Even in the advanced levels where one may want to study the
way of the daka and dakini (holy sexual healer) and learn how
to be a tantra teacher and seminar presenter, our seminars
honor your existing relationship. If your personal agreement
is monogamous, we make sure that your agreements are openly
and honestly discussed. Most couples choose to stay together
while they work with a single or another couple. And that's
how Sasha and I work. We only do individual sexual healings
together, as a pair. And I love it and it feels right to me.
We feel bad that somehow we have scared you away from us
and that you may think that we'd would require you to be
polyamorous with us if you were to work with us, or that you
think we would be climbing up on some pulpit and saying, "this
is the way!" We thank you because this dialogue has helped us
gain clarity. We want to support and facilitate all in their
paths; your letter has shown where we can improve. We value
your input and will explain all the sides of life and
possibilities of relationship without making any one type seem
to be better than another for all choices are valid.
WHY CHOOSE POLYAMORY?
Q: Why would a couple who have been happily monogomous for
many years open up to loving others?
A: There are many reasons couples and singles choose
polyamory. My experience was that the universe suddenly
presented the option in the form of a dear friend who wanted
to make love with Alan. I already loved this person very much,
so it was simple and exciting to say, "Yes! Let's go get him."
Alan was totally surprised and delighted, and that experience
produced so much energy in our relationship and for us
individually that the next time an opportunity came in the
form of a couple we knew and loved that it was easy to
continue from there.
Our second chakra (our sexuality center) is directly
related to our sixth chakra (our creativity center). So when
we allow the natural unfolding of our sexuality, we also free
up our creativity. We both found ourselves overflowing with
Many of us have for years cleared our emotions around our
childhood wounds. We stilled our minds and minded our bodies
through meditation, exercise, diet and positive affirmations.
Yet we may have neglected repressed memories and contractions
in our sexuality and creativity that can be liberated when you
allow yourself to connect with a new lover.
When I chose polyamory--the More Loving Path--and dropped
my attachment to monogamy, I lept light years ahead of where I
was in my creativity, joy and spiritual growth.
I might add that the beloveds Alan and I interact with are
conscious, loving, caring people with lots of integrity. In
loving with them, I experience an expansion of my own ability
for intimacy, excitement, fun, kindness, passion and love.
The most important reason to choose polyamory is that you
want it. Something inside of you says "yes!" When that
happens, you are saying yes to your aliveness, to your soul
growth and to a positive path with a heart.
Q: My husband likes to make love more than I do. I love
making love with him. I have an easy flowing time and I find
him sexy and juicy. I feel so satisfied afterward that it
takes me a few days to feel sexy again. He’s ready the next
day. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried just having sex with
him even if I don’t feel like it, but it really is not
satisfying for either of us. I don’t wany him to feel
frustrated. I don’t know what to do.
A: First, we recommend our book, How to Really Love a
Woman. We show how you can both find satisfaction being
intimate with one another without necessarily connecting
genitally. You focus on the divine in each other. This
adoration flows into sexuality. You develop a different kind
of relationship to this most intimate, shared energy.
Talk to each other about what being sexual means to each of
you. What does your husband want from the lovemaking? Does he
want to feel close to you? Does he want an orgasm or some
nurturing? Where’s the energy coming from that urges him on
This is an issue for a lot of people when one partner wants
sex more than the other. Your love and desire for your
partner, and your desire to be true to your own needs can be
communicated honestly and lovingly. There is a rhythm within
each of you, and a rhythm within your relationship. Spend time
together breathing, eye gazing, massaging, bathing and doing
other nurturing things we suggest. As you do, your energies
will align and the passion between you will align as well.
CAN SHE CREATE ALCHEMY IF SHE LACKS CHEMISTRY WITH HIM
Q. I'm attracted to a guy. I like his personality and the
way he thinks, his values, his sense of humor. But I'm not
sexually turned on to him? Will this change?
A. On the one hand, you might create passion. If you enjoy
this man and feel uplifted with him, give him time and energy.
Commit with him to explore a relationship. Focus on what has
heart and meaning between you and interact with care and
consciousness. Show each other how you like to be
loved--sexually, emotionally and spiritually. Go together to a
relationship workshop and learn to listen actively, speak
lovingly and support each other emotionally.
Attend a tantra workshop. At ours or the workshops of
Charles and Caroline Muir, you’ll learn how to teach partners
to pleasure you and how to pleasure them. When you feel love
and trust, you connect on all chakras (energy centers--brow
(intuition), perineum (security), belly (power), heart (love),
throat (communication) and crown (spiritual). Book a private
session with a daka or dakini--a practitioner of the ancient
and modern arts of love.
You still might not, even with all this focused
consciousness, turn-on sexually with your friend. Nonetheless,
you'll learn much about yourselves and still have much to
HER HUSBAND LOVED ANOTHER WOMAN
Q. My husband came back from a business meeting and told me
he had sex with a woman there. He said he felt good about the
experience, but bad because he did it without telling me
first. He said it was healing for him and felt even more love
for me afterward. I deeply love my husband. I don't want to
leave him and I don't want to punish him forevermore, but I
feel betrayed and hurt. What should I do?
A. It is better to communicate beforehand with your partner
rather than after the fact when you're thinking of sharing
intimacy. We would ask, what were your agreements with your
husband around attractions to other people? So much pain can
be avoided with clear agreements. If you had an agreement that
you would only be intimate sexually with each other, this
would certainly feel like a betrayal.
It’s natural to be attracted to other people. We are by
nature polyamorous. What we choose to do with those feelings
needs to be fully discussed. It is in the making and keeping
of agreements that trust is either engendered or undermined.
Make your agreements after taking the time to fully discuss
how you honestly feel, and what you ultimately want for
yourself and your relationship.
Some couples choose to only make love with one another.
Some choose to talk in advance of making love with another, to
"check it out" or get permission.
Some couples feel comfortable with their lovers being free
to love others any time, as long as it's done consciously,
conscientiously and with integrity for all concerned. Honor
whatever agreements you make. If later either of you come to
realize you need to alter your previous agreements, sit down
and communicate that.
So if your husband did break an agreement with you, he owes
you an apology. The fact that he did tell you is a sign of
truthfulness in the relationship, which is good. Truth is the
bedrock of relationship.
This experience happened for a purpose. You can use it to
bring you closer together, or use it to push each other away.
Ask your husband to say what he learned from the experience.
What wound in his psyche was healed? Talk to the woman he was
with. Find out what her experience was. Perhaps this was for
her also a healing experience. If she sent him back to you
better than he was before, you could even thank her! The more
that is known, the less there is to fantasize about, and the
more understanding there can be. This can be an opportunity
for both of you to communicate more in depth about your
feelings and your needs. It could bring you even closer
TURN JEALOUSY TO EMPATHY
You can use this kind of experience to become angry, bitter
and unhappy, or you can use it for growth.
Ask yourself if your jealousy involves an inner voice that
compares you with the other woman. Do you belittle yourself
when you measure your worth against hers? Do you think she’s
prettier, smarter, richer, nicer or younger than you? Do you
feel anxious when you consider her how she’s better?
If you’re putting yourself down in a jealous comparison,
meditate or go to a counselor who’ll help you accept yourself
as you are and take steps to improve in the areas fueling your
jealousy. Rid yourself of put-down comparisons and you lessen
jealousy. Your discomfort with yourself was activated, but not
caused, by your husband’s girlfriend.
Tune into every aspect of yourself that has a reaction to
your husband’s behavior. Take them all into consideration and
you can respond from choice, rather than respond only from the
one voice that reacts first.
Listen to the voices in your head that disparge you and
also any inner voices that object to your husband enjoying sex
and healing with another woman. Focus on these inner voices,
one at a time. Ask each of them what brought them strongly
into your life. Let each voice tell you how it protected and
served you when it first came out and ever since. Each such
voice is one of your subpersonalities, here to contribute to
your overall ecology if you but find out what they need and
how to meet their needs without blocking the needs of your
other subselves. Hear also the parts of you that rejoice in
your husband’s experience; find out what they have to
contribute to your inner ecology.
Tell each voice concerned with your relationships what you
appreciate about it. Ask it what it wants for you in your
relationship with your husband. What does it ask of you when
you relate to him in view of the fact that he made love with
another. Tell each of your inner voices that you’ll balance
its concerns with the needs of other inner voices that also
need expression. Let each one of your energy centers, chakras,
had voices, what would they like to say about you, your
husband, his lover and the way you three relate. Your
security, sexuality, power, love, communication, understanding
and spiritual consciousnesses all have their unique concerns
and contribute to your centering yourself as your relationship
When you’ve listened to all of the voices, to all your
subselves concerned with your reaction to your husband’s
loving the other woman, you can better make discriminating
responses to the actual situation in your relationship.
Then you’re ready to turn your jealousy into empathy. Put
yourself in your husband’s place. Experience his joy as he
physically joins his other lover. When you identify with his
joy as he joins her, you practice a type of empathy called
compersion. You disidentify with your jealous subselves--your
inner Frightened Child who fears abandonment and your inner
Controller who wants to dictate to your husband–and comperse.
You can also experientially identify with the woman as she
receives your husbands amorous attention. Become her as she
experiences your husband’s embraces and devotions. Your
consciousness, compassion and empathy are growing from this
WIFE ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN
Q. My wife's romantically attracted to another man, but
says loves me very much and has no intention of leaving me. Is
it possible for her to love us both? What should I do?
A. You (and most of us) were trained to see her attraction
from a monogamous perspective. This monogamous paradigm
insists she feel sexual attraction and love for you and for no
other. If she follows the monogamy plan, she'll deny her
attraction to the other man, or, at a minimum, avoid overt
affection toward him.
If she buries her attraction, she'll also, at the same
time, bury her joy, enthusiasm and some of her warmth toward
you. Perhaps she'll resent you for making her deny her love.
Or, following the national trend (most American adults have
affairs or end their marriages in less than 5 years), she
might leave you and lose the love she shares with you. Either
way, if you and she follow the monogamous path, you risk
losing or diminishing your love for each other.
The More Loving Paradigm, on the other hand, suggests love
in her core is without limits: she can embrace you and others
too. In the More Loving view, when your partner feels
attracted to another man, she interacts with him to learn from
their interaction. Perhaps she'll discover they have work to
do together. Maybe she'll even find she has a karmic
connection, something she can complete with him.
The More Loving perspective regards all love as good. When
you or your wife feel love for others or they feel love for
either or both of you, that, from this perspective, is a
divine gift. Acknowledge the gift of love. Move beyond the
jealousy, beyond shaming your wife. Support her exploring,
enjoy and learn from her attraction.
You can move through uncomfortable feelings of jealousy to
an inner place of unconditional love, where you welcome your
wife loving another with empathy (compersion), the opposite of
jealousy. When you operate from compersion, you experience
happiness when you see your wife loving others. You move
toward love and expansion rather than contract in fear, anger
and jealousy. Your heart opens and fills with ever more love.
Regard your wife's attraction to the other man as a gift to
you. She's gifting you with the opportunity to expand your
ideas of the range of acceptable behavior.
She's stimulating you to examine your relationship with her
to see if you can love her better. She's giving you the chance
to open to the possibilities you, too, might enjoy exploring
other attractions while treasuring your relationship with her
more than ever.
WHEN YOUR BELOVED LOVES ANOTHER
The following is Sasha’s public coming-out article on his
public coming–out as polyamorous back in the 1980s. The
article stirred up quite a controversy on Maui, where he
published it in Mauiana Magazine. He and his second wife,
Joan, had for a decade posed as paragons of monogamous
couplehood. Publication of this essay led to months of upset
letters to the editor.
Use upsets--even your mate loving another--to know and love
yourself more, overcome jealousy and refine your relation. I
When my wife, Joan, asked if I'd be OK if she made it with
a guest, River, I acted mellow, even went to a hotel to so I
wouldn’t distract them and they could enjoy our house in
But in the hotel, I brooded, compared how she adored River
with how she criticized me. I felt hurt, angry, left-out,
Then, after awhile, I remembered and used one of Ken Keyes'
cures for jealousy.* Keyes says to see jealousy as a
combination of domination demands (e.g., "I want Joan to think
only of me,") and fear ("I'm scared she'll dump me."). Fear
comes from your security center, or root chakra. Anger and
domination demands erupt from your gut, your power center.
Running on only fear and anger makes you feel separate, unable
to lovingly empathize. You can empathize again if you feel-out
the same situation from your heart chakra. [Handbook to Higher
Consciousness, pages 44-82.]
Following Ken's advice, I felt Joan's affair from my heart.
In my heart I knew Joan and River's delight with each other. I
remembered they also loved me; and I loved them again. Though
I loved Joan again, I still rankled from the years I'd
suffered her caustic criticism. When, next day, I came home, I
told her how her criticism hurt me.
She shared the reason, hidden for ten years, she'd been so
critical. "I hated hearing you tell the day's gruesome news on
our morning runs." My tales of oil spills and animal suffering
first made her sad, then, as I persisted, mad.
So she'd retaliated and found fault with me despite my
complying with all her critical suggestions. She’d held-in her
real gripe: my news. She'd kept displacing her anger into
After we talked this through, I stopped reporting news and
she stopped criticizing. Then we revealed our feelings more
and consequently resolved our issues better.
So if your sweetheart seeks another, don't despair. Rise
above fear and control; let love lead you. Open your heart,
tell the truth and you'll continue to grow.
GUILT OVER LOVING MORE CAN HELP YOUR RELATING
Q: I switched from a one-woman-at-a-time model of relating
to loving several. I used to think I had to settle for what
one gave; now have lots more love. But I feel guilty. I'm not
I want to get rid of the guilt. Any suggestions?
A: We’re delighted you realize you can have more love.
Different lovers give you different energies. You might
romance one woman, play and sport with another, philosophize
and share emotions with a third. You stop expecting any one of
them to meet all your relating needs.
Don’t, however, "get rid of" your guilt. Instead, use it to
improve your inner ecology. Use guilt to show you your
behavior options. There are two types of guilt, neurotic and
existential. Embrace existential guilt; release and reprogram
Treat the part of you that feels guilty, your Inner Critic,
with respect. Your Inner Critic wants you to avoid behaviors
that get you hurt and hurt others. When you use guilt, the
Critic's energy form, to improve your actions, you convert
existential guilt into better relating. When you use
existential guilt, you don’t whine. You take steps to make
amends with those you hurt. If those you’ve hurt aren’t
available, you discharge existential guilt when you make
amends with the next person to whom you relate.
Ask your Inner Critic what you feel guilty about now. Do
you hurt any of your lovers by what you do or hide? Ask your
Critic when, in your development, it assumed power within you.
Your Critic probably built upon what parents, church or
someone in your past said that shamed you or made you feel bad
about your desires, actions or feelings. Reflect on this type
of guilt, neurotic guilt. See its relevence in the context
your Inner Critic developed it. Note where this neurotic guilt
no longer fits the lifestyle into which you're moving.
Neurotic guilt immobilizes you so you fail to fix what you
can. You waste energy beating yourself up instead of sharing
love. Drop Neurotic from your Critic's repertoire. But don’t
drop your Inner Critic. Use it as your loving conscience.
Talk to your Critic from your Center (Aware Ego) space. Let
the Critic know that when you exercise integrity with your
partners, friends and intimates, you can share love as you
choose. The more love you give and get, the more juicy and
happy you’ll be.
BOYFRIEND THREATENS WITHDRAWAL AT LOVER’S NEW CONNECTION
Q. My boyfriend, Jamie, is due to leave Ohio and join my
husband Rex and Greta, our female beloved, in our home this
month. In the meantime, I connected with a new lover, Brad.
When I told Jamie about Brad, Jamie said he now felt less
special and may not come.
I waver. I waver between disappointment and acceptance of
Jamie’s process. If he doesn’t meet my standards and resolve
his separating defenses, I don’t want him in my home.
A. Right on, Chris. Demand the best. Have Jamie share his
vulnerabities. fears, insecurities, hurts that fuel his
withdrawal threats. Tell him to honor his tendency to
withdraw, reflect, then return with more balanced
perspectives. Demand he grow up and work through his jealousy
if he wants to share the cornucopia you seem to be creating.
We need to demand the best from those close to us, and we
need to allow thoses around us to make choices that are right
for them. In the case of Jamie, I suspect he feels threatened
and vulnerable and in his protective self is pulling away from
Leaving the known and moving into the unknown is a stretch
for most people. In this case, Jamie is moving in not only
with you, but with your two beloveds, whom I'm assuming he
knows and also feels loving toward, or at least comfortable
with. Adding one more energetic to that equation prrobably is
stretching Jamie a bit more than he currently can stretch.
Give Jamie time to adjust. Talk to him about what this new
person, Brad, means in your life. Will relating with this
person mean less time for Jamie? And what will Jamie's
relationship to Brad be? Does he know Brad now?
Don’t react: let Jamie share his feelings, his concerns.
Stay in your power and authenticity and tell Jamie what
energies Brad has brought you, what you are learning and how
you are growing with Brad. Understand that Jamie has to now go
into his own center, check in to how this feels to him, and go
with his own internal guidance.
Tell Jamie what you'd like to see happen, and then let go.
Give Jamie some space to process this new information and his
feelings. Then speak with him again. With time and
communication, he may shift. And he will be more likely to
still want to join you if he feels he has been heard and
FEARS MATE WILL PREFER NEW LOVER
Q. I would like to be polyamorous, but I’m afraid my
husband will like someone better than me. I really know he
loves me, but I’m afraid to take the chance of losing that
love. If I open the space for more people to come in, how can
I be sure of not losing him?
A. There are no guarantees whether you have a monogamous or
polyamorus lifestyle whether someone will stay with you or
not.. The old paradigm of hierarchy can be somewhat shifted in
polyamory by appreciating the variety of people available to
us in our lives. Instead of "better or worse" we can use the
concept of "different". Our differences make us unique. A
mother with several children might enjoy different qualities
in them, but she loves all of them.
If you and your husband have a good relationship and you
feel a great deal of love flowing between you, you can be
fairly sure that the love won’t go away if you find someone
else to love with. Qualities of different lovers can add to
you and your husbands relationship. One person can’t possibly
fill all of our needs. Different intimates bring out different
qualities in us, which, when those qualities emerge, become a
part of who we are. Everyone benefits from us being more of
who we can be.
So, if you chose, let go of hierarchical thinking. Let your
love expand to as many people as it wants to expand to. As you
love more, your capacity to love grows so you end up having
more love to give to your husband, and he to you.
Q. My husband, Phil, who is forever my beloved, my Soulmate,
and I mostly practiced monogamy for 15 years. A few years ago,
we began loving others couples and some good friends. Then,
last year, I found and loved my Twin Flame, a wonderful,
conscious man who moves in with us next week.
"Enjoy Flame. Share your joy with me," Phil says. Phil's
done lots of emotional rescripting and says he opens his heart
in friendship and love to Flame.
Phil also admits he's afraid he'll lose some of the
closeness and specialness he feels with me. Overall, though,
Phil expects to love me more, he says, as he loves himself
more and demands less support from me. I'm afraid he's
somewhat in denial and would like suggestions on how to start
and nurture our triad.
A. Communicate clearly and often. Within a day after
Flame's moved in, all three of you get together and share your
hopes and fears, thoughts and feelings, visions and
Write a Mission Statement for the triad. Put the mission
statement on the refrigerator door; read it aloud each week.
Enjoy quality time alone with Flame and with Phil. Make
sure they get time alone together. Do things with both of
them. Spend time alone; suggest that Flame and Phil also
experience alone time.
Meet your own needs and ask Phil and Flame to meet theirs.
Don't drain yourself trying to emotionally shield either of
them. Just flow from your own loving center and bless them as
they learn to become bigger in their love for you and each
HE HAS TWO LOVES BUT OBSESSES ON ONE
Q. I live with my two girlfriends, Julie and Carol.
My sexual obsession’s Julie; she’s my aesthetic
ideal--tall, athletic and angelic-looking. She, like me,
practices yoga. Julie’s body’s perfect; her mind’s among the
clearest I’ve experienced. I’ve been in love with and lovers
with her for many years. However, she’s become physically
aloof from me and only occasionally wants to do things
together and even more occasionally, connect sexually with me.
I’m grateful for any sharing she gives me, but long for more.
When I press for more contact, however, she feels pressured
and avoids me more. So I wait for her to let me know when she
wants to hang with me and, in the meantime, enjoy myself with
Carol. Carol--unlike Julie--loves to share time, activities
and tantric loving with me. She’s on the heavy side, and
that’s a turn-off to me. But it’s only a turn-off for about
two minutes, because when we actually start talking and
touching, I’m completely pleased and love pleasing her. Yet,
no matter how much love I share with Carol I feel unfulfilled
and long for more love from Julie. I don’t think the body
preference is nearly as powerful as the yearning to be close,
easy and more freely sexual with Julie, to have her want me
I yearn to have the kind of closeness I feel with Carol
with Julie too. I’m starting to bug Carol when I obsess on
Julie when she (Carol)’s so available to me. Please advise me.
A. Enjoy what you’ve got, don’t give so much energy to what
you’ve not got. Enjoy Carol when she’s with you, enjoy Julie
when she’s with you and enjoy yourself when you’re alone.
Establish a dialogue with the voice within you that wants your
lover to look a certain way. Find out why that’s important to
it. Find out when that voice developed and what it really
needs. You’ll probably find there are better ways to fulfill
those needs now than to insufficiently appreciate the
companionship, support and love Carol gives you. Stop putting
so much energy into how your lovers look, and respond more to
how they treat you. Without pressuring Carol, you could also
create opportunities to do athletic, yogic and aerobic things
with her. If you also share healthy, low-fat meals with her
and her body will become its natural best.
WIFE'S ENCOURAGEMENT HEALS HUSBAND'S LOVERS
Q. My husband, Lionel, and I are polyamorous. I love two
other men; Lionel loves several women. He frequently asks me
to join him and one of his lovers when they make love. Usually
I decline their invitation. I tell the woman I want her to
have Lionel alone, and enjoy the attention, affection, support
and healing he gives so generously. The woman, often, cannot
believe that I'm really OK with this. I tell her, "Think of
Lionel as giving you my love too, when he loves you".
Sometimes I do join them, especially if I sense the woman
needs me there to show her that I'm not upset about her loving
Lionel. Usually, however, I'd rather wait and love him alone.
My main concern is that the other woman feel how comfortably I
share him so she can start to heal the fear and rivalry women
are taught to expect when they love another woman's husband.
Do you think I should join his lovemaking with others more
or is verbal encouragement enough?
A. sounds like you already have your own answer: join him
when you authentically feel drawn to be; decline and bless him
and the other woman who've invited you to join them when you'd
rather do something else than share sexual intimacy.
You sound intuitive and communicative. Letting the women
your husband loves know you genuinely bless their loving may
help heal some of the Hera-Complex patriarchal conditioning
leads us to expect. We fear the wife, like Zeus's mate, Hera,
will harm his other lovers. So when you share your mate so
lovingly, you heal Hera. When you welcome another woman
verbally or by joining the lovemaking, you also model for her
how to share. So you spread the love and openness. Thank you.
LIVING WITH WIFE'S NEW LOVER
Q. My wife, Kath and I(both psychologists living in a large
rural riverside house) enjoy a six-adult polyamorous family.
For ten years before, Kath and I experienced a usually happy,
mostly monogamous relationship. We also enjoyed a few outside
lovers now and then. We talked about each other of these
relationships as they occurred and, mostly, supported each
Over our years of psychotherapy training, we'd learned
effective communication skills. We'd released and reprogrammed
many of the limiting ideas and defensive behaviors we
habitually employed. We therapeutically owned our imagos; we
reparented ourselves. We felt overflowing love and wanted to
share with certain dear friends. That's how I looked at it,
and how I still look at it when I'm in my kingly aspect.
We studied Deborah Anapol's Love Without Limits and I
attended a couple of polyamory conferences and consciously
decided to enter a more loving, poly lifestyle. We made love
with our favorite couples and singles. Then we moved in four
of our favorite lovers (2 men, 2 women). Now they all love
each other too.
Problem for me is, I have a scared, doubting, jealous,
possessive voice that makes me withdraw or repel those I most
love. I have everything: three women and two men to love,
other lovers sometimes too, material abundance, health,
delightful livelihood, natural surroundings. And a part of me
keeps trying to ruin it.
Kath and the others tolerate my alienating tantrums but
want me to stop them. They're committed to me but they want me
to come from my Higher Self, not my constricted, reactive
self. When I'm in my Higher Self, I agree entirely. But when
my defensive, abrasive, evasive, destructive self comes out, I
forget I have a Higher Self. What can I do?
A. Tell everyone in your group how you feel. Trust Kath and
your homemates to remind you of your Higher and Empathic (Compersive)
(the part that enjoys your darlings' joy) Selves. Let the
frightened part of you say what it really needs and ask your
housemates to gift you by meeting some of those needs. Let us
know what happens.
Besides the personal family programming we received, we
have as the archetypes for Western culture energies like Zeus,
the King of Heaven, who had tantrums and destroyed people if
things didn't go his way. And Hera, the archetypal jealous
possessive wife. As pioneers on this path, we are moving
through personal and cultural conditioning, and moving beyond
these old archetypes. We need to create new archetypes for the
HOMEWORK: Write a New Mythology. Re-write some of the Greek
tales of jealousy and destruction into the new, More Loving
Paradigm of how an up-to-date Zeus would handle specific
challenges in his life. After all, Zeus was supposed to be a
god. What happened to his Higher Self?
Questioner replies: Back in August, I wrote you about how
my insecurity and defensive reactions to my inner security
when Kath (my mate from before we became poly) really grooved
with Adam, another of our family. Instead of enjoying my other
lovers, I’d obsess on Kath’s unavailability to me and I’d miss
them. Following your advice, I see Zeus as finding his lover
with wonderful people who add to his life as well
You suggested I ask for help from our house mates. I did.
Carl and Carmen had Kath and I sit facing each other and take
turns competing the sentence, "In relationship to you I feel
While I sat neutrally, Kath completed the sentence and told
me how she felt when I spoke harshly, withdrew, asked for more
loving and attention than she had to give, asked for love and
attention when she was unavailable, said I felt like leaving
the family. She said that, in relation to me, reacting to
those behaviors, she felt hatred, disgust, disappointment and
I felt devastated at the distress I caused her, but now
have specific behavioral improvements I’m making to improve my
relations with Kath. I still don’t feel welcome with her, but
I hope this will change if I can consistently satisfy myself
with the abundance of love available to me from others and
stop bugging her for invitations to be with her. I have hope I
can become the mature, loving Higher Self she and my house
mates see in me. Right now I’m having a hard time. Any further
A week after his last letter, Sean wrote again: Remember my
joy when my beloved, Kath, said she'd sleep with me weekends?
This Friday-through-Sunday "Sleep Together Scheme" worked
great the first weekend. That week, she slept and loved with
me and several of our housemates. Plenty of love for them and
me. I stopped obsessing on Kath so I could appreciate my other
The next Saturday, Kath and I made deep love most of the
morning. That night, we watched a video with Adam. As I
drowsed off, I told Kath to sleep that night with Adam, if
she’d like that. But when I woke, Kath and Adam hadn't left
the room yet. I asked her if she’d love me a little more
before she left. She got angry and said I'd reneged on the
invitation I gave her for intimate time with Adam. I was
acting needy. She felt torn by conflicting demands on her, and
she didn't want to be with anyone that night.
So we conclude that scheduling sleep-together days doesn’t
work for us.
Automatically reserving specific nights to sleep together
creates a barrier to authentic loving. Authentic loving needs
to be choosen, not automatic. Kath and I again connect
sexually and sleep together several times a week-- when we
both feel so moved. We’re developing an easier flow between us
and between our housemates, including love-ins where the whole
family connects tantrically.
SHE’S OK IN MENAGE BUT STRICKEN NEXT DAY
Help. My name’s Caroline; my fiance’s Karl. We’re troubled.
We’ve been together two years.
Karl has been on his own since he was fifteen and I, 17.
He’s very open sexually
and wants us to have threesomes. Me, him and another girl.
He says that it's just
something different and that he doesn't love me any less.
That hurts my
feelings and makes me feel like I an not enough for him.
I have had one threesome experience a year ago with him and
my best friend since forth
grade. He never had sexual intercourse with her, but did
touch her. I wasn’t able to have an orgasm after three hours
of foreplay until I was riding him and looked up to see him
touching her. I was okay with the whole thing, until the next
morning then it was "HOW COULD YOU TOUCH ANOTHER WOMAN! WHY
WOULD YOU WANT TO TOUCH ANOTHER WOMAN BESIDES ME?" So I
decided that it wasn't for me and I didn't want to experience
anything like that again.
Karl recently decided that threesomes are a part of him and
he can't be himself because I don't want to do them. He told
me he wants to connect with me on that level, but I don't want
to share him with anyone, I don't have an interest in having
sex with another woman. But he has said that we can't be
together if I don't accept him for who he is.
Q: My question is this. Why is it that I am okay with it
when I am doing it but then I am soooo angry afterwards and
how can I deal with my feelings so I don't lose my man. Thank
you for ANY advice you may have for me. I don't know what to
A: You have many parts (we call them subpersonalities) that
reflect different needs. You're probably aware of the Inner
Child. Well we also have parts like the Inner Critic, Inner
Athlete, Inner Artist, Inner Mother, Lover, Worker, Student,
What's happening is that you have a part of you that wants
to turn on and surrender and you also have a cautious side
that doesn't want to get hurt. We all have moments when we
feel jealous, hurt, left out, excluded.
What I find that works best in these situations is if the
women connect. That would require that you spend some time
with the other woman, get to know her and explore sexually.
Many find it easy to expand to women/women lovemaking, so you
may want to look at the part of you that's hesitant and the
part of you that may find it sexy. If you could begin to feel
loving and sexual with the other woman, connect with her and
even share one on one intimacy, that may
solve your problem right there.
However, since you've expressed that you're not open to
that avenue, you may consider having a three way with the two
of you and another man.
Since he's the one most open to being in a triad, it may
help for you to turn on to being in a triad first, by getting
to have the experience of two men first. You may have to do
this a few times in order to learn how to receive, relax and
get turned on.
You may have resistance to the idea, but since you wish to
maintain your relationship with a partner who's obviously not
monogamous, you'll have to expand your boundaries, go outside
your box Tahsha, in order to accomplish that.
One of your options is to part. You may decide that you're
not really ready
to be involved in polyamory and may chose to find a partner
However, since you're here and apparently want to keep this
then you may want to give it your all, open yourself fully
and do it with a good
3. RETURN TO TRIBE: 6-DAY POLY COMMUNITY, ORANGE SPRINGS,
FLORIDA, April 20 - 26, 2005
Co-create The World Polyamory Association's Southeast
Conference, Return To The Tribe, a six-day experiential
Polyamorous Community at Orange Springs Retreat, Central
Florida. Together, we enjoy interactive workshops on kind,
authentic communication, pair-bonding, romantic love,
multiple-partner sexuality and choreographing the dance of
poly loving. Participate in discussions and workshops on
community building and maintenance, jealousy management,
compersion, coming out, poly rights and polyamous childrearing
challenges. Network, party, play, exchange massages, practice
tantra and attend daily yoga classes.
Each day at Return to the Tribe begins, for early risers,
with Sasha Lessin’s 7:30 - 8:45 AM white tantra yoga and
meditation class. We breakfast at 9 AM, then share experiences
and dreams with the same six people (pod) each day. Then we
enjoy the main presentation of the day. We eat and get a
chance to shmooze, snooze or make love from 1 – 3 PM. The same
presenter, if s/he’s doing a day-long presentation, leads us,
3 - 5:30 PM through deeper experiences, then we dine. After
dinner the same presenter, or another presenter or
entertainer, leads a joyous, celebrative interactive evening
playshop, movement experience, guided massage or tantra
We move from experience to experience together, in plenary
sessions orchestrated to build community. Presenters so far
include Sasha and Janet Kira Lessin, Harold Kornylak,
Firetender and more.
The venue for Return to the Tribe, Orange Springs Center,
is thirty-five minutes from Ocala and Gainesville and ninety
minutes from Tampa, Orlando and Jacksonville. Orange Springs
is 100 acres in the hills edging Ocala National Forest. The
cabins are mostly doubles, separated by a shared bathroom,
though some private rooms are available
PRESENTERS APPLICATION DEADLINE: Applications, at
www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com are due by February 15.
For presenters, we waive WPA's part of the conference fee but
can't pay you for helping; and you need to pay for your own
food and room. You become part of the community and can attend
the workshops and presentations of the other presenters. Best
of all, you contribute to the relationship choice movement,
teach people to love better, make the world love more and
cherish relationship diversity.
4. GIVE THANKSGIVING THANKS WITH THE LESSIN CLAN ON MAUI
Janet, Sasha, Mona, Virginia, Firetender, JorEl, Stu,
Marie, Harmony and the gang invite all adult polys and poly
friendlys on Maui November 25 to a sundown giving of thanks
and potluck. Call 808 244-4103 for directions
5. ONLINE POLY LINKS, DATING SITE, FORUM, PERSONALS,
Click http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/ and enter
WPA's world of poly links, dating data, forum, personals,
LINKS: We post your link, you post WPA's; we all rise in
Search Engine Consciousness. Submit yours to us at http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/Links/submit_your_site.html
FORUM: Propose and discuss subjects of poly interest
PERSONALS Say Who You Are and What You Seek http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/personals.html
POLY EVENTS http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/events.html
6. POLY NEWS http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/news.html
PROMISCUITY A IMMUNE SYSTEM FACTOR
A new study indicates that evolution of the immune system
directly linked to the sexual activity of a species. A
comparative analysis of 41 primate species demonstrates that
the most promiscuous species have naturally higher white blood
cell (WBC) counts -- the first line of defense against
infectious disease -- than more monogamous species. The
findings will be reported in the Nov. 10 issue of the journal
Science. "Our findings strongly suggest that the most
sexually-active species of primates may have evolved elevated
immune systems as a defense mechanism against disease," says
principal investigator Charles L. Nunn, a research associate
in the Department of Biology at the University of Virginia.
"We looked at animal species with a range of mating behaviors
and found a strong relationship between high WBC counts and
high promiscuity in healthy animals. The more monogamous
species have lower WBC counts."